A Rough Year...

It's been over a year since my last post, but not because I haven't had anything to say. I've actually just had a rough year and didn't feel like writing about it until now. Maybe this will help; maybe not. 

My last post mentioned that my husband was suffering from really bad sinusitis...that was a gross underestimation of what was actually wrong with him. As it turned out, he was suffering from hydrocephalus (excess fluid on the brain) which had been caused by a brain tumour (pineal cytoma to be exact)! Oh how I wish it had just been sinusitis. I will spare you all the details, and just say that tumour resection surgery was done in January 2017 followed up by radiation therapy in May and June. 

To say that I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions is putting it mildly. I think I've felt every emotion there is: sadness, despair, anger, hate, love, envy, fear, joy. Thankfully I've had a great support network (friends, family, co-workers) and I will never be able to thank them enough. This ordeal has been the hardest thing I've ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. There were so many times that I would have gladly traded places with Steve because it was so hard for me to see him in the state that he was. Words cannot describe how hard it is to see your spouse hooked up to machines and IVs in the ICU day in and day out. 

The upside to all of those hospital visits is that I no longer feel queasy as soon as I set foot inside one. There really is some strength to that "exposure therapy" that you hear about for people facing their fears. I never had a fear of hospitals, I just felt really uncomfortable in them...they're full of sick people after all! Anyway, after months of daily visits, I started to feel more like staff than a visitor. I got to know the nurses and doctors by name and they got to know me, and I even learned some medical terminology along the way (endoscopic third ventriculostomy (ETV), external ventricular drain (EVD),  intra-cranial pressure (ICP), cerebrospinal fluid (CSF)). 

Steve came home from the hospital at the end of May 2017 and I thought our life would start getting back on track shortly thereafter. I guess I had high hopes and didn't fully understand how long a brain injury like this can take to heal. It is now almost 11 months since he came home and we are still working on physio and occupational therapy; although, that has been put on hold while he recovers from a kidney stone. When it rains, it pours man. That old saying, "lfe is short" isn't just a cliche. Seriously, I never thought that I would be a caregiver to my husband at this stage of our lives. It sucks and it really puts your "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse" wedding vows to the test. I  don't have kids, but this is what I imagine being a single parent is like; I'm exhausted all the time. Sometimes I've been so drained emotionally that I just sit down and cry because I feel so helpless and lost and don't know what else to do. Sometimes I immerse myself in a show on Netflix and binge watch as an escape from my life for a bit. A lot of the time I find myself feeling frustrated and angry and just wanting things to be the way they were before all of this. I suppose all of those things are only natural. 

I've started going for a hike each Sunday with my friend and that seems to help. I listen to the drama that is happening in her life and it's a bit of a break from my own for a little while. The exercise and fresh air is also good. I also met up with another friend for tea just yesterday and that was really helpful; she is the only other person I know that has been in the role of caregiver for her husband at a similar age as me even though her husband suffered different injuries. It was nice to know that everything I've been feeling are things that she felt too. I just need to tough it out and be patient during this long road to recovery that Steve is on and at the same time I have to remember that I need to be enjoying my life too. It's okay for me to go out and have some fun once in a while. I have to take care of myself if I am going to be taking care of him. Tonight, I'm going to have a bath and soak my stresses away, even if just temporarily. 

Goodbye 2016, Hello 2017

So here we are...it's New Year's Eve 2016.

Ordinarily I would not be at home writing a blog on New Year's Eve, but this New Year's Eve for me is not exactly what I would call "ordinary". I'm home with my dog, Sam (who is now almost 14 months old, by the way) and my sick husband, Steve. Steve has been sick on and off for about a month now with various health issues, but most recently he's been taken down by a nasty bout of sinusitis. It's been two weeks now, but the first week we didn't have a diagnosis, so he's likely been suffering longer than he should have. I should clarify that I'm not writing this as a plea for pity; it's just that I need an outlet to vent all of my feelings, and I figure this blog is as good a place as any. I also realize that there are a lot of people who are way more sick than Steve is and I wish them nothing but the best for the speediest of recoveries. This is just the sickest person that I've ever had to take care of, so it's been a shock to me.

I'll spare you all the details, but just say that after multiple trips to the ER during the Christmas holidays, we finally got the diagnosis of sinusitis (as confirmed by a CT scan). The doctor said it was just a minor case, but Steve would have likely said otherwise, given that he felt like his face was going to explode. We were very fortunate to have my parents here to help us out; especially fortunate to have my Mum here. She was a life saver (taking Sam out for walks, getting groceries, etc.) and I will be forever grateful. Having my Mum and Dad here allowed me to focus on taking care of Steve to the best of my ability and also rest, so I wouldn't get too run down. I don't know what I would have done if they hadn't been here. I know that Sam would not have gotten the attention and exercise that he needed and I would have ended up a complete zombie.

I've always known that I would never make a very good nurse and this past couple of weeks has proved it. I only have so much patience, I'm not very sympathetic and I don't like seeing the people I love suffering. It's especially hard because there is nothing you can do to make them better. All you can do is make sure they take their medications properly and give them your love and support. The hardest part about taking care of Steve and seeing him so sick is probably that I feel like I'm taking care of an 85 year old man. Steve is only 44 and normally a very active and healthy guy, so it's like he's done a complete 180.  Between Christmas Day and today there were 4 different medications that he was taking regularly (antibiotic 3 times a day with food, anti-inflammatory 3 times a day with food, steroid nasal spray every 12 hours and acid reflux medication once a day before food).  The doctor had also prescribed morphine (as needed) for the pain, so that makes 5 medications to keep track of!! The morphine was a real concern for me because I was so worried that Steve would just take it regularly to avoid the pain because he had suffered so much that whole previous week before we knew what was going on. I made my concerns very clear and rationed out the drug. I've actually rationed out each of his drugs each day because it's the only way I know what he's taken. Since his head is so foggy and confused, he has no idea what he's taken when. Thankfully he has only taken the morphine for the first few days and he hasn't taken any yesterday or today. I'm hoping that's a sign that the pain is subsiding a little bit. The antibiotics seem to be taking their sweet time to kick in, which is super frustrating for me (and him, I imagine). The anti-inflammatory is now finished, so we are now down to 3 medications...hooray!

I am normally a pretty stable person and think of myself as almost robot-like. I rarely get emotional about anything (don't cry at movies or weddings, don't get overly excited about much, no PMS nastiness - Steve will back me up on that one), but I've cried more times in the past two weeks than I probably have in the past 10 years. Most of it, I think, is due to sheer frustration and exhaustion. I know that you can't force a person to get healthy and sometimes you just have to wait things out, but man, the waiting is exhausting! That feeling of complete and utter helplessness is absolutely draining. My hat is off to all the health care professionals who spend their days and nights taking care of sick people...you are all amazing and deserve much respect!

Sorry to have been such a Debbie Downer, but like I said, I just needed to vent. I've got a great group of friends and family that have been very supportive and I appreciate every single one of them. I've unloaded my feelings and thoughts on a few of them lately, so I send a special thank you to them (they know who they are). I know that Steve appreciates them and all of their kindness too.

On a more positive note, Sam is doing great and I feel like we really lucked out with him. He's pretty awesome. Those first couple of months of sleepless nights were totally worth it! He had his first Christmas with us and I'm pretty sure he liked it. He got pretty spoiled, so the bar has now been set for next year. I was a little apprehensive about what he'd be like with the Christmas tree and presents, but he just sniffed everything and was totally fine. The decorations are still up with the plan of Steve and I having a Christmas "do-over" once he is back to his normal, healthy self. I've even offered to re-wrap his presents :)

Sam patiently waiting for Santa

That's all for this year. It's now time to take Sam out for a walk and then chill with an evening of NetFlix - currently watching "Grace and Frankie" starring Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin, and I totally recommend it. It's pretty funny, especially when you need an escape from your daily worries and stresses.

I wish you all much health and happiness for 2017.

Puppy Parenting

Sam with "Mr.Crinkles" - his first stuffy. A few days after we brought him home.

Well, we are now the proud parents of a fur baby. We have wanted a dog for years and years and then we finally had things fall into place that would allow us to get one.  The window may have closed on my chances of becoming an actual parent, so I see this as being the next best thing. Not to worry though; we will not be the type of people who actually think their dog is a child and dresses it up in clothes. We may, at some point, get a rain coat for him, but that's just because his natural coat is like a mop and soaks up water like you wouldn't believe!

We've had Sam for just over a month now and he's impressing us more and more each day. Sam is a standard poodle and he is just over 3 months old now. Everyone thinks he's a Labradoodle or Goldendoodle...so much so that we jokingly considered getting a sign for him that says "I'm not a doodle!" Steve works casual as a nurse, so that allowed him to be home most of the time during the first few weeks of us having Sam.

It's funny how you hear people talk about how having a puppy is practice for having a child, but it makes sense to some degree...at least for the first few months. He was very afraid of being alone at night for the first few weeks, so we would take turns sleeping on the couch near his crate in the living room. When we first got Sam he was 9 weeks old and had the bladder control to only last about two hours between pee breaks. This meant that one of us was getting up every two hours each night to let him out to do his business. This whole lack of sleep thing really took it's toll on both of us, but especially on me. I'm not used to going for days/weeks with minimal sleep.  It was exhausting; I've never been so tired for so many consecutive days/weeks in my life! It really affected my appetite (to the point where it was almost non-existent and I had to force myself to eat). I lost enough weight that I became the lightest I've ever been as an adult...I know for some people that might seem like a great side-effect, but for me it's not good. I'll spare you the actual numbers because some people might take offence. I also became so irritable and had very little patience...I don't have much patience at the best of times, so you can imagine what it was like. Anyway, Sam's bladder has improved greatly in the time that we've had him and for the past two nights we didn't have to get up with him at all...he was able to last through the whole night!! Sam has also gotten over his fear of being alone at night; which means we can both sleep in our bed at the same time! Yay!! I have my sanity and appetite back and I'm gradually putting some weight on again.

We started Sam on pee pads, but also introduced him to the concept of going outside. He caught onto this idea very quickly and only used the pee pads for about the first week or two of us having him. We still put them out whenever we leave him at home alone...just in case. He has accidents now and then, but that's to be expected, I think, for at least a little while. Some of those accidents were due to our own mistakes though; we're learning as well. We have learned to take him out to pee/poop shortly before we leave him alone and then take him out again as soon as we get back home. We are still working on some separation anxiety issues, but he's gotten so much better since we first got him. He cries a little bit when we first leave, but then he quiets down fairly soon. It used to be that when we came home we could hear him crying from as soon as we got out of the elevator down the hall, but now we don't hear him until we put our keys in the door to get inside our unit.

Sam was the last puppy of a litter of 5, the second heaviest and the only puppy to have his colouring. All the other puppies in the litter were black, but he is cream. Some recessive gene playing a part there.

We went with a standard poodle for a couple of reasons: they don't shed and they are the second smartest breed. We will not be getting him trimmed to look like one of those Froo-Froo show poodles though with pom-poms on it's feet and at the end of it's tail. There will be no bows in his hair either. In fact, I took him to the groomers today for the first time and I think they did a pretty good job of maintaining his teddy bear look.

Sam after his first haircut

Let me tell you this no-shedding thing is AMAZING! He sat on my lap during the drive back from Coquitlam (where we picked him up) and I was wearing black pants. There was not a single dog hair on me at all. As for the smart factor...we can attest to that too. Steve had him trained to "sit" after us just having him for two days. I have been taking him to puppy classes as well because we're both big believers in having some professional training for any dog. Given that he's going to be quite big when he's full grown (~70lbs or more), we want to make sure that he has the foundation skills and good manners. It's one thing to have a puppy jumping around, and it's another thing to have a large dog jumping around and misbehaving. He's been to two lessons so far and he's doing really well. I'm so proud.

Sam, during his first road trip up to Parksville about a week ago.

Sam is great in the car too. He just lays down on the back seat and doesn't make a sound. He usually doesn't sit up until we get to wherever we're going. It is so nice to have a dog that doesn't get car-sick!

Well, I could probably go on for ages about Sam, but I won't. I'll just end with saying how very happy and lucky we are that we've got such a great dog. He's a real character with tonnes of personality. For anyone looking to get a dog, I recommend a standard poodle...just make sure you're willing to put the time in to training and exercising him/her properly.

One more thing...make sure he/she knows that you're the Alpha dog. After much frustration I've finally got this figured out. Anytime Sam gets a little bit out of line (jumping up, biting, etc) I bare my teeth and growl at him. It seems to work. I read somewhere that mama dogs do that to their puppies to show them who's boss, so I thought I'd give it a go. So far, so good!

Random Thoughts and Plugs

It's been a long time since I've written anything on here, so I figured I better stretch out the fingers and get to it.

I guess the most exciting thing that's happened in my life is that my husband has graduated from school and is now an official RN. He was able to get a casual position after graduation, but most recently he landed a temporary full-time job, so that's awesome! I'm so proud of him and all that he's accomplished...it's also pretty nice to have a nurse around all the time :)

We have a federal election coming up in the next few weeks, so that brings me to one of my points for writing a new post on my blog. I get so annoyed with all the campaigners putting up their signs everywhere and standing at intersections asking drivers to "honk for" so-and-so. Just the other morning I was biking to work and was going through a very busy 5-way intersection when I heard multiple car horns honking. I thought maybe there was about to be an accident, so I got to the other side as fast as I could. It wasn't until I got across, that I realized the honking was in support of a certain political party. I won't name names because, well, it's irrelevant. Do these campaigners not realize how distracting and dangerous it is to have car drivers honking their horns like that?! I'm all for showing support for your political party of choice, but come on. Show your support by going to the polls and voting, not by honking your horns and being annoying. And those campaigners should be ashamed of themselves for asking drivers to honk their horns like that in the first place. I'm pretty sure that anyone who is planning on voting during this election, will do their own research about all the parties/leaders and come to an educated decision on their own.  I know that I don't need a bunch of signs slapped up on every street corner and along the highway to tell me who to vote for.

On a completely different note, I'd like to take this time to promote some of my friends' businesses. During my somewhat brief stint as a Mary Kay consultant I found it very difficult to promote myself and the products I sold. I am; however, pretty good at talking up other people's businesses, so here's a list of my friends and their businesses. Maybe one of these great people is exactly who you're looking for :) Check out their websites for more info.

• Dave Lawrence: That 50s Barbershop
•  http://www.that50sbarbershop.com/
• Lynn Crandon: When the Ink Dries Copywriting
•  http://www.whentheinkdries.com/ 
• Cynthia Tomey: Bare Bums Creations
•  www.BareBumsCreations.com
• Cynthia Blank: Consultant with Epicure Selections
• She doesn't have a website, so let me know if you're interested and I'll pass her info on to you
• Danielle Rados: Team Leader with Avon Canada
• www.instagram.com/avonbydanielle
• Lara Eichhorn: Lara Eichhorn Photography
•  http://www.laraeichhorn.com/
• Aaron Lutsch: Rhymes With Orange Photography
•  http://rwophotography.com/
• Ashleigh Hansen: Ashleigh Hansen Photography
• www.ashleighhansenphotography.com
• Jake Humprey: Windcoast Photography
•  http://windcoastphotography.com/

I realize that there are numerous photographers in that list, but they all have their own unique ways of capturing images and they all do amazing work. 

If there's anyone that I missed, I'm sorry. I also apologize if the links don't work. I'm not that tech savvy, so you may just have to type them out old school in your browser. 

There, that's about all I've got for the moment. I know it wasn't overly exciting, but hey, I'm a little rusty here. 

Ahh...Summertime

So we're into June now and the weather here in Victoria has been beautiful.

It was "Bike to Work" week last week and it was dry every single day... a rarity for the event. I tried my best to rally the troops in the hopes that I could get more than just myself biking to work. I'm pleased to say that of the whopping 6 people that I had on my team, 4 of us rode every day. The other 2 just couldn't get themselves on their bikes for some reason or another. That's okay though, because that just meant more treats for the rest of us.

Speaking of biking, this brings me to my next topic...biking without a helmet. I've lived (and biked) in Victoria for 22 years now and I've worn a helmet while biking everytime. It's the law, but it's also smart. I've had a few wipe-outs/crashes during the last couple of years and I've hit my head each time, and let me tell you...I was very grateful to be wearing my helmet. I constantly see cyclists riding without helmets and I just don't get it. Oh sure, maybe they've got it hanging from the handlebars, but that's not going to help anything. I don't know why I let it bother me so much. Really, these people are obviously already stupid, so I guess there's no reason to protect their brains. Quite frankly, I think the world could do with fewer stupid people, so we may as well just let them carry on. Maybe they'll get what's coming to them, maybe not.

To continue with the "stupid people" theme, there are also those idiots that are out there riding their motorbikes without proper gear. At the very least, people should be wearing jeans, a leather or ballistic nylon jacket, helmet and gloves. Helmets are mandatory in BC and I think "full face" ones are mandatory here in Victoria. Boots are also a good idea. Summer weather always brings out the idiot riders. You know the ones...guys (and girls) wearing shorts, t-shirts and sandals. I always shake my head at them and wonder how they could possibly be so stupid and careless. I've ridden motorbikes since I was 24, so I do actually know what I'm talking about. I've taken a bit of a break from riding, since we don't have a bike anymore, but all the time when I was riding, I was very adamant about proper riding gear. Granted, for the first few years, I didn't have any riding pants, so I wore jeans. I always had my legs fully covered and over the years I acquired proper riding pants. Anyone who says that it's too hot in the summertime to wear proper riding gear is full of poop (I don't use swear words, deal with it). I rode through Death Valley one year in the middle of July during the middle of the day...it was 130 degrees in the shade, and I had my full leathers on. I can just imagine the sunburn I would have gotten if I was just wearing shorts and a t-shirt; never mind the road rash if I had crashed. And then there's the heat that's coming off the bike as well. The riding pants help insulate against that too.

I suppose stupid people will continue to be stupid and as long as they're not causing harm to anyone else, we can just let them be. Like Forrest Gump's mom said, "Stupid is as stupid does".

My Brief Attempt at Breaking the (my) Silence

Here I am, back at the blog. 

I've taken a break for a bit mostly because I haven't really had anything worthwhile to say. Those of you who know me well, know that I'm not one for small talk or idle chit-chat. This is one reason why I'm not good with large party situations or meeting people for the first time (or second, third, fourth or fifth time for that matter). I would like to be one of those people that can walk into a room full of strangers and strike up a conversation...it would make some parts of life so much easier and less stressful. Luckily for me, my husband is super chatty, so he gladly takes on the role of social butterfly while I either hang out at the food table or quietly sit in the corner with the resident cat or dog. 

I did try to overcome my shyness a couple of years ago when I signed up to be a Mary Kay consultant. I thought it would help me get out of my comfort zone, and it did for a little while, but then I just spiralled into a stress-ball and the fun factor quickly dissipated. I made the huge mistake of, what I like to call, being "blinded by the bling". I could get prizes and gifts if I ordered certain amounts of inventory and this was the biggest mistake I made. I ended up ordering way more inventory than I could sell. I managed to get a few "parties" done, but unfortunately a lot of my inventory was not what people wanted, so I ended up ordering more stuff. I did end up with 2 sets of nice coffee mugs, a sparkly t-shirt and a pair of sunglasses though :)

When I first started out, I thought that I would be able to do about 3 parties a week, so with guidance from my director, I/we ordered the suggested inventory levels to accommodate the anticipated customer orders. Big mistake. I should have just ordered things on an "as needed" basis rather that stockpiling products. I used the products and thought they were great, but that wasn't enough. I learned that booking parties is not as easy as "they" make it seem and I didn't want to be that annoying Mary Kay lady; constantly harassing people to have parties or place orders...that's just not in my DNA. I also couldn't adopt that "Ra Ra Mary Kay" attitude that was so important to get people introduced to the products. 

I quit selling Mary Kay about a year ago and felt such a relief when I finally made that decision. Believe it or not, up until a few weeks ago I still had items that I couldn't sell. I even tried to sell them at cost, but nobody was interested. I didn't want the products to go bad, so I decided to donate everything to the local Women's Transition House. They were very appreciative of everything and I felt really good about being able to help out such a great cause. To be totally honest, I felt way better about donating to them than I ever did about trying to sell the stuff. Some people are born salesmen and some aren't. I definitely am NOT a salesperson. 

I don't look back on my brief time selling Mary Kay as a regret, but more of a learning experience and life lesson. I was able to step outside of my comfort zone for a little while and talk to strangers, and I learned that I never want to run my own business. I am very happy to get up and go to work for someone else and then at 5:00, my work day is over and the rest of my day is my time. That feels really good. 

In the meantime, I'm going to a birthday gathering for a friend this afternoon. Wish me luck!

Marriage: There is no secret; either it works or it doesn't

I have been very happily married for more than 16 years and people often ask my husband and I what our secret is. There is no "secret" or "special recipe" to obtain what we have together, but our usual response is that we don't fight. It's true; we just don't fight. This is not to say that we don't have a few disagreements once in awhile, sure we do, but we never get to the point of yelling at each other or calling each other nasty names. That's just juvenile and disrespectful. I also imagine that fighting would be downright exhausting. Who has the energy for that?

The two of us have been married for 16 years and we were together for 7 years prior to that, so in total we've been together for 23 years! You could say that we were high school sweethearts, but we went to different schools and lived in different cities, but that's a story for another time.

It may seem like a cliche, but communication really is the key to any good relationship, be it a marriage or even just a friendship. I'll be honest here, out of the two of us, my husband is by far the better communicator and he encourages me to communicate all the time. We've had a few bumps in the road, and that's normal as far as I'm concerned; it's when those bumps become mountains that you need to become aware that something is seriously wrong.

The way I see it there are 3 ways that couples will deal with their relationship problems/issues:

• a) the couple will either ignore what's going on and just stay miserable together rather than deal with things
• b) the couple will recognise that there's a problem and try to fix it (eg. counselling or simply talking things through and try to get back what was lost) 
• c) the couple will split up and go their separate ways

I've known a few couples that have gone down the divorce road and it seems to have been the answer for them. I've also known couples that have had a separation period and then gotten back together - sometimes people just need to step back from the situation for a little while to see the bigger picture and realise that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Sadly, I've also seen couples that stay together even though one or both of them is miserable - they're comfortable in their misery and they don't want to rock the boat. 

I think some people take the idea of marriage way too lightly. "If it doesn't work out, we'll just get a divorce", you can hear people say. I had a friend who had been divorced 3 times, all before she was 35 years old!  Call me old-fashioned, but I think marriage should be a one-time event. After-all, the reason you're getting married in the first place is because you want to spend "the rest of your lives together". Unless you're in your 70s or 80s, the rest of your life will most likely be a long time (decades and decades, people). Granted, people's priorities and ideals can change over the years, but you work through it and find a way to change together. If you can't work through it and divorce is the only option, then fair enough. If it means you can both move on with your lives and be happier people as a result, then that's great. Nobody likes being around miserable people, so get the divorce and go your separate ways. 

In the end, we get all one life and we owe it to ourselves to be happy. If marriage is in your future, I encourage you to pay attention to those vows and never take each other for granted.