Marriage: There is no secret; either it works or it doesn't

I have been very happily married for more than 16 years and people often ask my husband and I what our secret is. There is no "secret" or "special recipe" to obtain what we have together, but our usual response is that we don't fight. It's true; we just don't fight. This is not to say that we don't have a few disagreements once in awhile, sure we do, but we never get to the point of yelling at each other or calling each other nasty names. That's just juvenile and disrespectful. I also imagine that fighting would be downright exhausting. Who has the energy for that?

The two of us have been married for 16 years and we were together for 7 years prior to that, so in total we've been together for 23 years! You could say that we were high school sweethearts, but we went to different schools and lived in different cities, but that's a story for another time.

It may seem like a cliche, but communication really is the key to any good relationship, be it a marriage or even just a friendship. I'll be honest here, out of the two of us, my husband is by far the better communicator and he encourages me to communicate all the time. We've had a few bumps in the road, and that's normal as far as I'm concerned; it's when those bumps become mountains that you need to become aware that something is seriously wrong.

The way I see it there are 3 ways that couples will deal with their relationship problems/issues:

• a) the couple will either ignore what's going on and just stay miserable together rather than deal with things
• b) the couple will recognise that there's a problem and try to fix it (eg. counselling or simply talking things through and try to get back what was lost) 
• c) the couple will split up and go their separate ways

I've known a few couples that have gone down the divorce road and it seems to have been the answer for them. I've also known couples that have had a separation period and then gotten back together - sometimes people just need to step back from the situation for a little while to see the bigger picture and realise that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Sadly, I've also seen couples that stay together even though one or both of them is miserable - they're comfortable in their misery and they don't want to rock the boat. 

I think some people take the idea of marriage way too lightly. "If it doesn't work out, we'll just get a divorce", you can hear people say. I had a friend who had been divorced 3 times, all before she was 35 years old!  Call me old-fashioned, but I think marriage should be a one-time event. After-all, the reason you're getting married in the first place is because you want to spend "the rest of your lives together". Unless you're in your 70s or 80s, the rest of your life will most likely be a long time (decades and decades, people). Granted, people's priorities and ideals can change over the years, but you work through it and find a way to change together. If you can't work through it and divorce is the only option, then fair enough. If it means you can both move on with your lives and be happier people as a result, then that's great. Nobody likes being around miserable people, so get the divorce and go your separate ways. 

In the end, we get all one life and we owe it to ourselves to be happy. If marriage is in your future, I encourage you to pay attention to those vows and never take each other for granted. 

Random Rants and Raves

Here we go. One of the reasons that I started blogging was because I sometimes have things that I just want to talk about, rant about or whatever and I don't want to fill up peoples' news feeds on Facebook; which brings me to my first rant.

Facebook:
Let me just say that I have been known, on occasion, to inadvertently offend/insult people with my comments about their Facebook posts. The way I see it; though, if you decide to tell the world something (especially on Facebook); be it good, bad or just plain stupid you should be willing to accept any comments that may result. I tend to call things like I see them, but I have learned over the years (actually more like months) to try and adopt that old saying (If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all). Let me tell you; though, sometimes it's really hard to stick to that. For one thing, I really don't see why new parents feel the necessity to post so many pictures of their kids for all the world to see. I understand that they're excited about whatever may be happening in the photos, but come on. There has to be a limit. Maybe just share all those many many photos with family and keep the rest of the world out of it. That being said, I do like to see the occasional photos of my friends' kids and see what everyone has been up to. I just think some people take it too far. I mean do we really need to know that little Johnny has just pooped in the toilet for the first time? has just had a bath? ate solid food? I know I don't. I grew up in a time when certain pictures (ahem...bath time) were stuck in a family album and just made the occasional appearance now and then; usually either when you're a teenager and dating someone or when you're all grown up and married. Oh and I really don't care what people ate for breakfast, dinner or any other meal. It is the nature of Facebook; though, to allow people to flaunt whatever they feel is important.

Cell Phones:
Texting while driving a car or even while riding a bike is, in my opinion, completely stupid and careless. Even though it is apparently illegal here to operate a cell phone while driving, I still see people doing it everyday. It drives me bonkers and makes me really angry that so many people can't just wait until they get to wherever they're going before grabbing the phone. Some people will say that they only text while stopped at a traffic light...well that's not much better because your focus is still not on the road! If the call/text is so important, just pull over to the side of the road and then deal with it.  A lot of the culprits I see doing it are adults (~40+ and older) and it makes me wonder how they ever survived before cell phones were so common place? I get that the younger generations (teenagers and 20-somethings) have pretty much grown up holding an electronic device of some sort, but that is still no excuse as far as I'm concerned. It's probably a losing battle though and I worry that it will take a lot more accidents before people smarten up. On to rant #3!

Headlights and Tail-lights on Vehicles:
I love headlights and tail-lights; I just wish more people used them. Most new cars come with daytime running lights that come on as soon as you start your car, which is great, but the tail-lights don't come on. For that to happen you have to actually click your headlight switch a bit and make those tail-lights come on. I wonder. Is it that people simply don't know this or are they actually not caring that their cars are not easily visible from behind? My guess is that they just don't care, besides they're probably too busy texting to notice.

I bet you thought I'd be ranting for hours, but I assure you I am now ready to rave! No, not the glow-stick wearing, pill-poppin, all night dance party kind of rave. This is where I tell the world how much I love the food at Saigon Night vietnamese restaurant here in Victoria. Anyone I know who has been there will agree that it is by far, the best vietnamese restaurant in town! I would probably call it the best restaurant of any kind in town, but that's me. The little woman who runs the place remembers everyone that walks in the door (not only their orders, but also what's going on in their personal lives!) She is super sweet and the food is amazing, as I said. I'm a little sad that I don't live within walking distance anymore. Oh well, it just means that every meal I have there is so much more special because I've had to make a trip downtown just to go to Saigon Night. Mmmm, Saigon Night!

So I had few more rants than raves...this is what happens when I don't share my thoughts on Facebook every second. Refreshing, if you ask me.